WIBS

There I was sobbing in our closed bedroom closet.  It had been yet another unofficial Mother's Day in our married student ward -- a ward which one visitor quipped "should be renamed the Maternity Ward."  It was true, at any given time, it seemed that at least one third of the ward was pregnant, while at least another third had newborn babies.  It was a very difficult ward to be in during our child-less "unexplained infertility" years.  The real Mother's Day was hard enough, but at least I knew when it was coming, and could, to some degree, mentally prepare for it.  It was these unofficial Mother's Days, where all the testimonies centered around the blessings and joy of motherhood, and where the Relief Society lesson was centered on the same, that left me in the emotionally crumpled heap I found myself in inside my closet.
I didn't want to come out.  Ever.  I was so tired of this rollercoaster.  I was so tired of hurting; of wanting; of wondering what I had done to render me so completely unworthy.  Emotionally, I felt completely beaten to a bloody pulp.
At some point during my heart-wrenching sobs, James knocked on the closet door, and gently reminded me that my Visiting Teachers would be at our home in just a few minutes.  My first instinct was to have him send them away, but I knew that would draw more attention to me and my "issues" than I could handle; so, I pulled myself together, emerged from the closet, fixed my make-up and greeted my Visiting Teachers when they arrived. 
They were newly assigned to me, and we did not know each other well.  During the lesson, one of them shared with me a personal experience she had just had: she and her husband had just realized that she was pregnant!  They were devastated.  How could this happen?  The timing was SO bad!  They were trying to get through school, etc., etc.  And then, they found out that it was a false alarm.  They were SO relieved.
In short, it was The.Completely.Wrong.Message to share with me on that particular day.  Strangely enough, however, instead of feeling further crushed, I felt love.  I felt that these ladies went out of their way to come and visit me, and although the words were all wrong, I had a definite sense that I was being watched over, and that if they had had ANY idea what I had been feeling, not ten minutes before they arrived, they would have shared something very different with me.  But it didn't matter.  God made it all good.  I don't understand how He can make that happen, but I know He can, because I know He did.
This actually gives me hope and courage.  You see, there are a lot of trials that I have never experienced in this life (not complaining or asking for more, mind you) and I often feel that I have no idea what to say to friends, loved ones, or acquaintances who may be facing these trials.  But, maybe if I just open my mouth, and am sincere, God will make my WIBS (well-intentioned-but-stupid) remarks into something good-- in spite of my weaknesses and faults.  At least, I hope He will.

Pondering the Vision of the Tree of Life

I have had the opportunity to hear/participate in the Tree of Life lesson in Sunday School for two weeks in a row--my awesome Mother-in-Law taught it in her ward last week where we were visiting, and my awesome husband taught it in our ward this week (where I was not visiting).  Between my Mother-in-Law's lesson last week, my own preparations to teach about the Holy Ghost in YW this week, and James' lesson, I have had some thoughts/insights that were new to me.

When Lehi begins the account of his vision of the Tree of Life, he says, "And it came to pass that I saw a man, and he was dressed in a white robe; and he came and stood before me.  And it came to pass that he spake unto me, and bade me follow him.  And it came to pass that as I followed him I beheld myself that I was in a dark and dreary waste."  (1 Nephi 8:5-7)

I've always found that strange.  I mean, I assume he is following a Heavenly messenger--a being of light and hope, perhaps the Holy Ghost, himself--and yet he finds himself in a dark and dreary waste.  What the?

He continues his account with "And after I had traveled for the space of many hours in darkness, I began to pray unto the Lord that he would have mercy on me, according to the multitude of his tender mercies.  And it came to pass after I had prayed unto the Lord I beheld a large and spacious field.  And it came to pass that I beheld a tree, whose fruit was desirable to make one happy." (1 Nephi 8:8-10)

So, it struck me today, that a Prophet of God, who has been following a Heavenly messenger, finds himself in a dark and dreary waste, and it isn't until he PRAYS that he is able to see where he is and where he needs to go.  And, significantly, where he needs to go is to the Tree of Life, which, of course, is a representation of the Love of God, or in other words Christ. 

He then goes directly to the Tree and partakes of the fruit (eternal life).  He tastes it and it is wonderful, and he wants his family to have the same wonderful fruit and so he "casts his eyes round about" at which point his eyes are opened to the rest of the vision: his family, the rod, the straight and narrow path, the numberless concourses of people, the river, the large and spacious building, the mists of darkness, etc. 

Therefore, the guidance of the Holy Ghost combined with prayer lead us to Christ.  Once we have come unto Christ, felt of the love of God, and tasted of eternity (through making and keeping covenants) our vision and our understanding are expanded. Then we, like Lehi, may see our family, and those over whom we have stewardship, more clearly; we may see the course that leads to Christ and eternal life; and we may see the challenges and obstacles and temptations that they and we face.

So, what of those who make it to the Tree, eat of the fruit, and then become ashamed and fall away?  "I beheld others pressing forward, and they came forth and caught hold of the end of the rod of iron; and they did press forward through the mist of darkness, clinging to the rod of iron, even until they did come forth and partake of the fruit of the tree.  And after they had partaken of the fruit of the tree they did cast their eyes about as if they were ashamed."  (1 Nephi 8:24-25)  I think the key lies in their own strength (or lack thereof).  Yes, they pressed forward through the mist of darkness, but they were clinging to the rod, which we know represents the word of God.  To me, the word "clinging" sounds more fear-filled than faith-filled.  My thought is that they relied entirely on the rod, neglecting to internalize the word of God, so that, even when they had arrived at the Tree they had yet to "come unto Christ". 
For when we truly come unto Christ, we are filled with his love, or in other words with charity.  And, when we are filled with charity, we see people as God sees them.  Charity helps us to understand what people are communicating, without getting stuck on what they are saying or doing.  Therefore, through charity-filled eyes, the people in the large and spacious building who are mocking don't make us feel ashamed, rather, we see clearly that they have no foundation; we see that although there are multitudes, they are still alone.
Those who did not fall away were described as "continually holding fast to the rod of iron, until they came forth and fell down and partook of the fruit of the tree."  (1 Nephi 8:30)  Perhaps the real difference is that they not only kept the word of God firmly in their hand, but also firmly in their hearts.  They had a strength within themselves that comes from testimony firmly rooted within.  Therefore, knowing who they are and knowing the true source of their strength and hope and peace, they were able to "heed not" those who scorned them.
So, the "cling"-ers, to me at least, sort of parallel Lehi before he prayed.  One might think that Lehi following a Heavenly messenger would be just fine, but until he exercised his faith to pray, he had not truly come unto Christ.  The "cling"-ers arrived at the Tree without that same exercise of faith, and were, therefore, still blind to a degree, and were not strengthened within themselves.

One last thought I had was this: "Laman and Lemuel" who "partook not of the fruit" probably can't even see the Tree!!(Nephi 8:35) If Lehi, who was following the Spirit couldn't see it until he prayed, then it stands to reason that his son's who refuse to inquire of the Lord (or to pray in any way that would invite personal revelation), who claim, "the Lord maketh no such thing known unto us" (Nephi 15:9) would not have that sight or vision made manifest unto them.

I Seem to Have More Issues than Time magazine

I am having major birthday party anxiety. Ben's birthday party is coming up this Saturday.

A couple of years ago, when we were still pretty new here, and Ben was having trouble adjusting, I decided to throw a Star Wars themed just-for-fun party for him and some boys from school and the neighborhood. It was AWFUL!! Two guests showed up. That is fine with me, except for these two decided that ANY planned game or activity was STUPID and BORING, and were VERY RUDELY VOCAL ABOUT IT.

Next, came Ben's birthday party. Well, after that fiasco, I wasn't about to be responsible for another party FLOP, so we planned it at Chuck-E-Cheese's. Perfect for a seven-year-old birthday party, right? NONE, I repeat, NONE of the invited guests showed up. We literally ended up recruiting a kid from our ward, a younger sister of one of Ben's friends, and some dear friends who happened to already be at Chuck-E-Cheese's for a birthday party which had just ended, to be Ben's "guests". It was great that they stepped in and helped to save the day. It sucked that none of the friends he had invited came. I felt just sick inside.

So, last year, we planned it at Banana's Fun Park, with laser tag, bumper boats, mini golf, etc. We did have a great turn out, and I think everyone had fun. It cost a small fortune, and I had anxiety the whole time, because I kept worrying that I'd lose a kid. Fortunately, we did not lose anyone.

This year, Ben decided that he wants to take his friends to a movie and then have pizza, cake and ice cream and open presents. He has had three RSVPs. Two can't come, one will miss the first half of the party. I'm worried about getting to the movie with everyone, including the best friend, who is the guy coming late. I'm worried that maybe the movie will stink. I'm worried that no one except the late best friend will be coming. I'm worried that if I hear how STUPID or BORING anything is, I might lose it. Mostly I'm worried that Ben is going to have another birthday party FLOP, and that my poor birthday party planning skills are going to scar him for life.

(Btw, one of the fiends, oh, I mean friends, that he handed an invitation to, wadded it up and threw it away without even reading it. Now, I know this kid, and honestly, he seems nice. But seriously, even if he didn't mean to hurt feelings, that is just plain MEAN. Ben handled it well, He got the invitation out of the garbage, smoothed it out, took it out of the envelope with that boy's name on it, and gave it to a different friend.)

So, do you think I can get a prescription for xanax just for party situations?

If you break up your writing, does that make it poetry?

A black cat

ran across the road

in front of me

today.

I just laughed

because

he had missed his cue.

You see, it was YESTERDAY that

I backed my car

into another car

in my driveway;

destroying my back bumper

and their front bumper.

And it was earlier this morning when

I went to my scheduled pre-op appointment

for my LASIK procedure

on Monday,

that they informed me that my surgery is on

TUESDAY!

"No," I said, "I'm scheduled for MONDAY."

"No," she said, "We never do that surgery

on Mondays!

"I don't know where

You would have gotten that idea." she said.

"You wrote it on my paperwork." I said.

And I showed her the paperwork.

I still don't know

if I will or will not

be having surgery

on Monday.

When I got home

a person near and dear to my heart called

in tears.

Her burdens are heavy.

Her hope is slim.

I reminded her to breathe,

And I counted my blessings;

For they are many.

So, little black cat,

wherever you are,

thanks for the laugh.

Six Random Thoughts in Ten Minutes

1. Why is it so easy to break a good habit, and so hard to break a bad habit?

2. Caspian is gone. We placed him with a family with grown children. :(

3. James is off hunting and fishing. I miss him.

4. I am a good cookie maker.

5. Brianna is going to visit Grandma next week. I am really going to miss her.

6. Funny story: This morning there was some debate about whether Brianna needed to shower. She wanted to, but had just showered last night. I tried to convince her to just get dressed. She headed upstairs, and soon called down to me. I thought she said, "I picked out my clothes and got all dressed." So I said, "Good job! Come here and let me see you!" But, what she really said was, "I picked out my clothes and got UNdressed." So, in bursts my naked little exhibitionist. I exclaimed, "Brianna, get upstairs right now!" and I headed for her, knowing that she had won and I would be throwing her into the shower. She giggled, and said, "Oh no! I better hurry or you'll spank my lovely little bottom!"

The Parable of the Guy on the Side of the Road (re-run)

As I said my prayers this morning, I was feeling down, and the words that I used to describe how I was feeling were “robbed” and “beaten”. (And they were, perhaps, a bit dramatic.) I didn’t mean them at all in a physical way, and it wasn’t until after I had said them that the connection to the parable of the Good Samaritan came into my mind. In the parable of the Good Samaritan, the man on the side of the road had been robbed and beaten, physically. I realized that we usually just try to relate to the Good Samaritan in the story. Suddenly I felt that we should remember that we are all, at one time or another, the guy on the side of the road.

This life can be very hard. There are many ways that we can be, or at least feel “robbed”: robbed of time with loved ones; robbed of experiences we longed for; robbed of opportunities; and “beaten”: beaten by circumstances beyond our control; beaten by the cares and worries of life; etc.

With this in mind, we can each be the Good Samaritan as well. In the parable, the Good Samaritan could see the wounds, and the physical needs of the man were evident. The parable states that the Good Samaritan had compassion on this man and went to him and bound up his wounds, and gave him relief and placed him on his own beast, and brought him to an inn, and took care of him.

Our dear Sister Hinckley has said, “Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle." Remembering that, and realizing that the wounds of those around us are often invisible to the naked eye, our “binding up of wounds” and our “giving of relief” must truly be guided by the compassion of our hearts and by the Spirit. Compassion is an attribute of Christ. The more we practice this attribute, the more we will become like Christ. Perhaps that is why there is so much opportunity for practicing this in the world. Perhaps there are so many chances to be both the guy on the side of the road, and the Good Samaritan, because there are so many lessons to be learned from both sides of the street—so to speak.

P.S. I'm really o.k., the Lord, Himself, is very good at binding up wounds when we allow Him to see them. I'm feeling much better. Plus I felt like I got a nice insight.

The Quiet Heart (re-run)

There is a line in a hymn that I love that says, "In the quiet heart is hidden sorrows that the eye can't see." I love that. It is so true. We all have sorrows past or present. We all have trials and hardships, challenges and difficulties. Some are more obvious to outsiders, and some are perfectly hidden.

There are parts to each of us that we would prefer others not know about. Usually things that we dislike about ourselves or refuse to accept. Some are things we can (or think we should be able to) control, and others are beyond our control.

I believe there is an innate fear surrounding these hidden sorrows. A fear of rejection should anyone discover. We each long for acceptance and true love, but fear holds us back from sharing with one another the things that we believe would bring about the feared rejection. Then, ironically, even when we find "acceptance" and "love" we don't fully trust it, believing that "if they only knew the real me," this love and acceptance would be lost.

In reality, the more we share with one another, the more mutual understanding, the more connected, the more actual love and acceptance we find. I'm not advocating T-shirts advertising our greatest weaknesses, or any of our hidden sorrows. I'm only observing that, in the right time and place, sharing with one another those sorrows that we usually keep hidden can actually be a validating, freeing, and therapeutic exercise. I think exercise is a good word for that, because it's not easy or comfortable.

In the MTC, they taught us not to share 'past transgressions', which I lovingly dubbed, "trans-pastgressions". I do believe there is wisdom in this for the most part -- especially as missionaries who carry that mantle and are teaching those with the first tender shoots of budding faith. There are times, however, when the lessons learned from our trans-pastgressions can and, perhaps should, be appropriately shared; times when that sharing could actually help lift another. Definitely discretion should always be used in this.

I used to put people up on pedestals and think they were completely infallible. Then, when I would find out, to my horror, that they were just regular people, I would be crushed. Boy have I come a long way! Much of my journey came through the trials of my life. I am grateful for the things that I have learned along the way. They have blessed me with more compassion and empathy, and with the sure unwavering knowledge that we truly each have our own sorrows hidden in our quiet hearts. No more pedestals here, just a lot of slack! Slack that I hope is afforded me in return.

Why is it ...

* that when you go to the dentist, no matter what you do with your tongue, it's always in the way?

Monday

It's Monday.
Monday is one of my laundry days.
Thursday is the other one.
I find that with two laundry days my laundry load (no pun intended) stays manageable. Otherwise, I get overwhelmed.
I get overwhelmed easily.
Most of my laundry today is in our large suitcase;
Waiting to be unpacked and washed from our wonderful, sunny, weekend.
It was hard to get into the car and head back yesterday, because the temperature was 60 degrees.
60 degrees and sunny is heavenly.
Brianna got to plop herself down in the wet red dirt and dig.
Ben climbed trees and beat his dad at the actual old-fashioned Battleship game.
We went to a park where the kids played on the swings, the slides, and on several twisty-spinny playground things that I'd never seen anywhere else.
James and I were able to go to the temple, and even stayed awake for most of the session.
I love the temple.
Caspian got to play at a dog park, and with his doggy-cousin.
James' parents fed us fabulous food, and we laughed and visited.
Great-Grandpa was a delight, as usual, and the kids each ended up with a crisp one dollar bill from him.
Now, James is at work.
Ben is at school.
Brianna is playing in the bathtub.
Caspian is in the backyard (he can hardly bring himself to go out in the 30 degree weather now).
And I'm writing this post.
When I'm done I'll sort the laundry, start a load of darks, and unload and load the dishwasher.
It's Monday, afterall.

You know, Mondays aren't so bad after a wonderful, love-filled, sun-filled, family-filled weekend!

RANDOM

So, you probably caught that we got a puppy.
He's really cute.
And mostly potty trained.
And relatively good on a leash.
And he bites.
And he barks incessantly if anyone comes to our house.
I have learned that I am NOT the dog whisperer.
Even though I've tried his techniques.
He's now wearing a "training" collar.
I now have hope that "Dog Round 2" might turn out favorably.
Brianna's haircut is really super cute.
Like she could be anything BUT cute.
The left side of her face is a mass of healing scrapes.
Ben thought it would be entertaining to dump her off of her sled, not realizing how scratchy the ice-covered snow was.
Ben felt REALLY bad.
Ben still hates his new school.
He tells me nearly everyday.
Ben is learning the Articles of Faith.
I received a cub scout application for Ben.
I don't think I'm quite ready for scouts to begin.
Brianna loves the dog rather too exuberantly.
Usually right around his neck.
This often results in the "biting".
I considered putting the training collar on Brianna.
I decided against it.
For now.
Brianna is a wonderful and entertaining child.
I missed my parents anniversary.
And my dear mother-in-law's birthday.
I suppose, when I start out the year missing important dates that I should just be consistent for the rest of the year as well.
Otherwise, it would appear that I'm playing favorites.
And that's not how I play.
So, here's an advanced birthday greeting to all of you: Happy Birthday! I hope this year is your very best yet!!
I'm still trying to process the fact that it's actually 2010.
I think I'll eventually get there.
Maybe in 2015.
We had a get-together at our house last weekend.
It was really fun.
Even though I felt a rather high degree of anxiety about it beforehand.
Brianna is mostly potty-trained.
She was just ready, I guess.
And, we told her we'd go to Disneyland when she was potty-trained.
Unfortunately, I need her to grow about 3 inches before we go in March, so she can ride the rides.
I love my new vehicle.
I love my husband.
I can't wait for this weekend.
We're headed to James' parents.
And to warmer weather.
I miss my Cincinnati friends.
I think about them a lot.
Well, this is why I haven't blogged in SO LONG.
It's because this is pretty much how my thoughts roll lately.
Random, random, random.
Oh, the dog's name is Caspian.
He's a miniature schnauzer.

Mary, the Mother of Jesus

I have been asked to speak next week in the Christmas program in Sacrament meeting. The request was unusual in that I've been asked to speak in the first-person, as Mary.

Now, I have my own concerns with this approach, which I am not interested in discussing here. I do believe in doing my best to fulfill the assignments that I've been given. I must say that it has been a very interesting experience to ponder on Mary's role, and what she might have been thinking and feeling.

I wonder, how fully did she understand the Plan of Salvation? How fully did she understand what would be required of her Son? I know that all the prophet since Adam have prophesied about Jesus Christ, but how well was Mary taught in those prophecies? How much access did she have to those sacred records? Obviously she loved God the Father and Jesus Christ, and had incredible faith to do whatever was asked of her.

Were the people of Nazareth unkind to her and Joseph as it became obvious that she was "with child" from before the time that they were married?

I am interested to know if any of you have thoughts on Mary, her role, and what she may have been thinking and feeling. I would love to hear any of them.

Lemonade

I took the car into the dealership and they cleared the code yesterday, and said that it was nothing to worry about. Today, after driving about another 10 miles, the check engine light came back on! And the car was shaking!
So, back I went to the dealership and went right up to the owner. He agreed to fix the car at his expense and he gave me a loaner car until it's done. Between the service tech and my dad (who is basically a car GENIUS -- not that his genius is limited to cars, ... but I digress) we think that they are actually maybe fixing what needs to be fixed, and we'll be good to go tomorrow! Hopefully this will take care of the problem and this car will work really well for us for a long time.
James pointed out to me that the timing of all of this is probably a huge blessing. If the check engine light had come on when we were test driving the car, we wouldn't have bought it, and would have ended up in a much more expensive vehicle. If it had happened in a week or two, we would be paying to fix this. All in all, if this is the sole problem, then we are very blessed in the timing!

There's just one more problem, I was working on using this experience as a teaching metaphor for my kids when they are old enough to date. You know, "sometimes cars and people are just plain gorgeous, and they seem to offer all that you could possibly desire, but if you can't depend on them, if they let you down when you need them most, then the cost of the relationship just isn't worth it."
Now, I have to change my teaching metaphor to something more along the lines of "none of us is perfect. We all make mistakes and unfortunately sometimes we let down even the people we love and care for the most. It's important to work through these situations and to support each other in becoming all that we can be." Or something like that.

Isn't it scary to get a peek into the workings of my strange brain??

A Practical Mother's Prayer

I'm having a rough day. My heart feels heavy, and I want to cry. Probably hormonal, but still very real feelings.
Yesterday, Ben was telling me about his music teacher who got married over the summer. He had her last year too, so he knew her by her maiden name first. That got him to thinking, and he asked me, "Was it hard for you to go from being a [maiden name] to a [married name]?"

I replied that I had always been very happy to be a [maiden name], but that I was very happy to become a [married name]. I explained that the switch was actually really easy for me -- easier than I had expected. I then reiterated, "I was very happy to become a [married name]."

And he said, "Ya, ... until you had children."

So, obviously, I'm doing a great job as a parent. My kids think I'm not happy to have them. It's no wonder. I feel like all day, everyday, I'm telling them not to do this, or to do that; I'm breaking up fights; I'm enforcing rules; I'm trying to get them to tone down their wild play before someone gets hurt; I'm sending to time-out; I'm trying to get them to pick up their stuff; etc. Most of the time, I feel like I'm being ignored. Now that I've written out how I spend my time all day, I figure it's no wonder they ignore me! I'm sure I'd do the same thing if someone I was around all day was doing/saying all of that.

So, on top of all of that, when I feel that I'm being ignored, my voice does this strange thing where it gets REALLY LOUD. I don't like that. And I'm not proud of it.

So I present you with what I will call

A Practical Mother's Prayer:

Please help me to not yell more than is absolutely necessary.

Please help me to remember how to laugh.

Please help me to not screw my children up too much.

Please help my children to not be opposed to therapy when they are older, and please help them to be able to afford it.

I guess today I am just painfully aware of all of my shortcomings, and feeling like I'll probably never be the mother/wife/homemaker/friend/visiting teacher/daughter/sister/in-law/etc. that I would like to be. And, sometimes, I just feel too tired to do any better.

Do YOU Have a Bathroom Fan?

We once had a neighbor who would turn her radio up, and face it toward our paper-thin walls each morning. Since we had paper-thin walls, we were used to hearing noise from our neighbor, and didn't think much of it. Until one day, when James said to me, "I think she turns up her music each time we shower." Sure enough, we started to see a correlation between our showering, and her music. A few days later, we had house guests. After the fourth shower of the day, the music coming through the walls was VERY loud and angry.

James decided to go next door and see if there was a problem that we could work through. Well, James didn't get a word in edge-wise as our neighbor cursed him up and down, and accused him of turning on our bathroom fan to deliberately irritate her. She said that it sounded like a freight train running through her bedroom each time we turned it on. And she ended the wonderful encounter by slamming the door in his face.

At first I was very angry. How dare she? As if we would turn on our bathroom fan to irritate her?! Granted, our bathroom fan was louder than the average bathroom fan, but I slept approximately three steps from the bathroom, and had no trouble sleeping through the fan noise. Since our condos were mirror images of each other, she probably slept approximately four steps from our bathroom. We decided that she must have trained herself to hear the bathroom fan because she had convinced herself that we were making this terrible noise specifically to disturb her.

Later, as I thought more about the whole situation, I realized that I, too, listened for "bathroom fans". Whether because of experiences I had had, or situations I was in, or because I had trained myself to hear them, there were things that I was taking offense at, when no offense was intended. I realized that in doing this, I was cheating myself out of peace and happiness; I was placing unnecessary barriers between myself and the supposed offender and thereby robbing myself of potential meaningful relationships.

I was reminded of this instance recently, when a friend shared with me an experience she had had. My friend moved to a new home several months ago, and soon after received a three page single-spaced type-written letter from her former next-door neighbor. The letter was filled with venom and hatred. The main complaint this former neighbor expressed was against the "selfishness" that my friend had exhibited by not chopping down a tree in their yard that had shaded this neighbor's pool. They had lived next door to each other for many years. It was obvious from the letter that this woman had obsessed over this situation for years, and had seen in it a "bathroom fan". She was certain that my friend was refusing to cut down her tree, simply to make this woman's whole life miserable. She mentioned in the letter that her friends had stopped coming over, a fact that she attributed to the tree not being chopped down.

It is sad to me that this woman wasted YEARS fuming over a situation that my friend had NO idea was bothering her. But, the absolutely saddest part of this is that this woman missed out on the opportunity of a lifetime. She lived next door to two of the most wonderful, unselfish, giving, kind, Christ-like people on the face of the earth, and instead of allowing herself the blessing of their easy friendship, she withdrew into an offended, angry shadow. Yes, Ms. Former Neighbor, I would venture to guess that it was not so much the shadow of the "offending" tree that kept your friends away, as it was the shadow of your offended anger and hatred.

May we all realize the "bathroom fans" that we are allowing to rob us of happiness, peace, and friendship, and may we "turn them off", so to speak, and move forward, embracing all that life has to offer us.

America's Got Talent!

I once received a blessing in which I was told that I had many talents, but not necessarily the kind you would perform on a stage. I have pondered this over the years, and I have come to realize that I do, indeed, possess some very unique talents.

Take for instance, changing the toilet paper roll. I once thought this was a commonly shared ability, but I now know better. I am--how do I say this without tooting my own horn?--the BEST and perhaps the ONLY person in my household with this ability.

Then, there's also my rare, and I do mean RARE, talent for actually closing the back door!

Add to that my rinsing dishes and loading them into the dishwasher abilities; my toilet scrubbing abilities; my laundry folding and putting away abilities, etc. and it soon becomes apparent, that indeed, I DO have talents. And many of them.

So, what are some of your unique talents? Don't be shy, you won't make me feel bad, afterall, I'm a very talented woman in my own right!

Late Night with Leslie

Last night in bed, James and I had a conversation that went something like this:

Me, while reading my scriptures: Can I share an insight I received recently?

James: Uh-hmmmm.

Me: O.k., well, the phrase, "chastisement of our peace" never really made any sense to me, but I always lumped it in with the rest of the verse that I felt I understood at least at some level; "he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed." So, I looked up "chastisement", and an archaic definition is "refinement, purification". Suddenly it became ...

At this point, James interrupts and says: Um, I drifted off there at the end. Something about picking things up off of the ground?

Me: No. ... Not at all.

James: Oh, sorry.

Apparently I am REALLY INTERESTING to talk to late at night. : )

So, for any of you still awake, I'd like to finish my thought.

When I pondered the phrase as "the refinement and purification of our peace was upon him", it became so beautiful to me. He worked at it and sacrificed for us until what He could give to us is PURE peace. So, whatever is standing between us and the peace we seek has already been tended to by He who turned water to wine. We can have pure peace now, through our Savior, Jesus Christ.

How Do You Find A Word That Means Brianna?

I have been wanting to post about Brianna, but the thought of trying to capture Brianna in words is always daunting. As I was thinking about this, the scene from the Sound of Music with the nuns discussing Maria came to mind. The song they sing about Maria could have been written about our Brianna. I have bolded the lines in the song that are so 'Brianna'.



She climbs a tree and scrapes her knee (only, Brianna would have gotten the scrape by JUMPING OUT of the tree).
Her dress has got a tear
She waltzes on her way to Mass
And whistles on the stair (Brianna doesn't attend Mass, but she is full of a happiness that just spills out of her wherever she goes.)
And underneath her wimple
She has curlers in her hair (Even though she knows the rules, she'll do things her own way.)
I even heard her singing in the abbey

I'd like to say a word in her behalf
Maria makes me laugh

How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!
Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her
Many a thing she ought to understand
But how do you make her stay
And listen to all you say
How do you keep a wave upon the sand
Oh, how do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

When I'm with her I'm confused
Out of focus and bemused
And I never know exactly where I am
Unpredictable as weather
She's as flighty as a feather
She's a darling! She's a demon! She's a lamb!
She'd outpester any pest (Mostly Ben.)
Drive a hornet from its nest
She could throw a whirling dervish out of whirl

She is gentle! She is wild!
She's a riddle! She's a child!
She's a headache! She's an angel!
She's a girl!

How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a cloud and pin it down?
How do you find a word that means Maria?
A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!
Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her
Many a thing she ought to understand
But how do you make her stay
And listen to all you say
How do you keep a wave upon the sand

Oh, how do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you hold a moonbeam in your hand?

Privacy

Last Saturday, during a Star Wars party I had for Ben and a couple of his little friends, Brianna went into the bathroom for an extended period of time. Brianna is not yet potty-trained, therefore, this is usually not a good sign. So, I went to check on her. I found her sitting underneath the sink.

She said, "No, Mommy! Need pri-cy"

**************

Speaking of privacy, I promised you a while back to tell you about our strange robin that lives in our tree.

One morning, I opened the shade in Ben's room, and saw that the trees in our front yard were full of birds. I quickly called Brianna to come and see the birds. As we sat there and watched, we witnessed our robin driving off all of the other birds. He/she would fly directly at them, and when they would fly off of the branch -- to save their skins (and feathers) -- our bird would land right where they had been. He/she systematically cleared all the other birds from our trees in this manner. When he was all alone, he returned to his favorite tree. I sat there, watching him and thinking, "You are a strange little bird." and, "Are robins territorial??" After just a moment all alone in his tree, he POOPED and immediately flew off.

I figure he also just needed some "pri-cy".

Random, Random, and More Random

****Yesterday, Brianna followed me into the bathroom (not uncommon). I asked her to please close the door. She said, "You want pri-cy? Okay." And she shut the door so we were both in the bathroom. Maybe more lessons on what "privacy" means are in order.

****Today is Ben's class Valentine party. I signed up at the beginning of the year to help with all class parties, but I was never contacted for this one. I guess I'll just show up and help where I can.

****I'm making my deeee-licious Never-Fail Sugar Cookies today! Mmmmmm! Pretend that I'm giving each of you one of these perfectly baked, beautiful cookies with pink frosting and Valentine sprinkles, and a fun Valentine just for you.

**** I need to clean my bathrooms before my guests arrive.

****I looooove my iRobot Roomba vaccuum. In fact, I'm vaccuuming my living room at this very moment. If I were as wealthy as Oprah, I'd buy each of you one, just because.

****Ben was very cute about the valentines for his classmates. He, of course, chose Star Wars valentines, and then he chose each classmate's valentine carefully. It was very cute.

****Ben and Brianna each decorated the Valentine's for their grandparents. It was very cute. Brianna draws balloons really well, and both cards are well decorated with balloons and hearts. I'm not sure what Ben wrote, but I'm looking forward to hearing what he wrote.

****Brianna was a fun companion yesterday! She kept saying, "You're so cute, Mommy." "That's a cute shirt, Mommy." "You're so cute with your hair, Mommy." Boy, I need that kind of constant reassurance. Thanks Brianna.

****I made up a song for Brianna. It's to the chorus of the tune of "Tomorrow" from the movie Annie. It goes like this: "Brianna, Brianna, I love ya, Brianna! You're always a Joy to me!" She loves it.

****Ben wants his own song too, but he's a little more picky. He's shot down the two songs I've tried so far. I'm still working on it. Wish me luck.

****I guess I better go clean those bathrooms!

****Happy Early Valentine's Day, Everybodeeee!!

Brianna and The Spirit of Revelation Lesson

Brianna is a strange mixture of fierce independence and an anxious need to be right by me. This morning as we walked Ben to the bus stop, she once again did as she nearly always does: when it came time to cross the street, she held her own hand. This behavior began months ago, as we tried to impress upon her the importance to "hold a hand" when it's time to cross the street. Apparently, we should have been more specific as to whose hand it is acceptable to hold. Unfortunately, she believes that she is fulfilling the requirement by holding her own hand. It is incredibly cute, but very unsafe as she has no concept of when it is safe to cross the street. I have given up, for the most part, trying to force her to hold my hand, because she always ends up in a crying, screaming heap in the middle of the road. Instead, I do my best to stay right next to her, often trying to get a hand on her coat or something. If she senses my touch, she gets very upset.


On the other hand, when I am getting ready in my bathroom, with the door locked, she is almost always right at the door, knocking, sticking her cute little fingers under the door, confirming my progress, and sometimes kicking the door and screaming to be let in (which was the case today.)

This afternoon, I was working on my lesson for this Sunday, and two scriptures jumped out at me, along with these clear images of Brianna.


The first: Doctrine and Covenants section 112, verse 10: Be thou humble; and the Lord thy God shall lead thee by the hand, and give thee answer to thy prayer.


The second: Doctrine and Covenants section 6, verse 5: Therefore, if you will ask of me you shall receive; if you will knock it shall be opened unto you.


As I pondered on these scriptures and on these interactions with Brianna today, I wondered how often am I like Brianna, with an "I do it MYSELF" attitude, when the Lord is right by my side, wanting to give me direction and to protect me.


Then, I thought of how I really was in no hurry to open my bathroom door to Brianna today. She was really adamant about coming in, and I really wanted to get ready without having to get after her to get out of my closet, and get out of the tub, and stop playing with this and with that. So, when I read that scripture, I thought, "Great, I'm not teaching her that if she knocks it will be opened unto her." But then, several other thoughts came tumbling out: The Lord opens doors on His timetable, not ours. Do I approach communication with my Heavenly Father and Savior with as much tenacity as Brianna approaches my bathroom door? Brianna is so persistent, I almost always let her into the bathroom before I am actually ready; I know there's some scripture story of a judge giving a lady what she wanted, simply to stop her asking. That could be good, or that could be bad (Martin Harris and the 116 pages of manuscript.)


I think I am a two and a half-year old, spiritually speaking. I am, at times, fiercely independent, "I do it MYSELF!" And, at other times, I feel that anxious need to be right by my Heavenly Father's side. I hope that I can learn to be humble and take the Lord's hand and allow Him to lead me, where and when He will. I hope also that I can be tenacious in my communication with my Father in Heaven, that when I knock, He will open, and hopefully I will be ready for what's on the other side.