Tender Mercies of December 21, 1994

When I turned in my mission papers, I put my availability date as the Wednesday after New Year's Day. When my call came (in late October), I was to report to the MTC the Wednesday before Christmas! Oh, what an internal struggle! My family was everything to me, and I had accepted the fact that I would be leaving them. But at Christmas?! Christmas is the holiday that encompasses all of the goodness of family! I remember going to my room and crying and crying and praying.

Finally, I decided that I couldn't say to the Lord, "I'll serve you, but it has to be on my terms." So, I did my best to "suck it up" and move forward. When December 21, 1994 arrived, I was all packed, set apart (the night before), and dressed as a missionary. Just before leaving our house, I realized that it had never occured to me that I might want a scripture case. When I casually mentioned this, my little brother quietly slipped out of the room. He returned with his own scripture case, which he had just emptied, and handed it to me. That simple act touched my heart deeply.

We put my two suitcases and a carry-on (with the scripture case, which I still have) into the car, loaded up, and headed for the MTC, which was about an hour away. It's hard to articulate what I was feeling at this time. I think my heart was breaking in two, yet I tried to not let it show.

There is a short presentation for the new missionaries and their families, when they first arrive at the MTC, after which, the missionaries leave out one door, and the families leave out another door. As I was walking away from my family, with my heart literally breaking in two, I thought to myself, "This is insane! Why am I leaving my family four days before Christmas??? I'm going back to them. They love me! I KNOW they'll take me home!"

Just before I actually put this new plan into action, I remember offering a quick, silent, urgent, very heartfelt prayer that went something like this, "Heavenly Father, Is this where I'm supposed to be?? In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen." After I said, "Jesus Christ" and before I could say, "Amen" I was filled with a complete, total, and undeniable sense of peace. I couldn't have received a clearer answer. I knew I was supposed to be there.

So, I navigated the luggage-filled hallway, found my luggage, and realized for the first time, that I did not have petite Sister Missionary-friendly luggage. It was bulky, large, heavy, and I think it had the very first set of tiny wheels ever put on any luggage. You know the kind of wheels -- if you can manage to keep the luggage at just the right angle at all times, they will indeed help the luggage to roll along. If however, you are trying to manage two large, bulky suitcases of this kind, along with a carry-on and a backpack, and you're five-foot-nothing, and you are emotionally exhausted, and you don't even know where you are to take all of this stuff, . . . well then, you might be tempted to utter a curse word. O.k., YOU, of course, wouldn't do that, being a newly set-apart missionary and having just had the most spiritual and direct answer to any prayer you had ever uttered. Unfortunately, I am not you. Yup, I cursed. And, not even what I consider to be the milder curse words, nope, I went straight to an intermediate curse word.

As I was trying to get out the big glass doors, with all of my luggage, and the huge lump in my throat, I looked up to see two Elders coming toward me. As a tender mercy of the Lord, (despite my inappropriate language) I recognized one of the Elders as a classmate of mine from High School. I didn't know him well, but I knew him! He and his companion helped me with my luggage, and got me to the correct dorm. I have no idea what events transpired in his life to get him to the MTC when I was there, rather than when he was 19, nor do I know if he even completed his mission. What I do know, is that he was an instrument in the Lord's hands that day in helping a distraught sister missionary to know that the Lord was mindful of her. I don't even remember his name, but I do hope that he will be blessed for his kind act that day.

The peace that I had received in answer to my urgent prayer stayed with me, and saw me through the first several months of my mission. I will forever be grateful to the Lord for hearing and answering prayers, and for the acts of compassion of those around me. (Oh, and for forgiving curse words.)

Snippets, Tidbits, The Passing of an Age, and Kids Stuff

Brianna refers to herself as "Nana" and she calls Ben, "Me". We don't know why she calls him Me, but it's very cute.

Often, when Brianna is looking for something/someone she will call out, "Waaah you?" (meaning: where are you?) So, when she calls for Ben, she says, "Me-e, waaah you?"

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I had a knock on the door earlier this week. It was someone going door to door for Barak O'bama. He asked if I was voting for Barak, and I told him that I was undecided. He left a brochure-type thing for O'bama.
When I shut the door, Ben wanted to know what that was all about. I told him that it was time for us to choose a new President of the United States, but that I wasn't sure who to vote for yet.
He said, "I know who you should vote for."
Me: "Oh ya, who is that?"
Ben: "Daddy!"


Then, after we actually voted, James and I were talking about who we had voted for, and Ben said, "I wish I could vote. I would vote for Daddy! Then he would be President, and he could tell everybody what to do!"
James: "Actually, there would be a lot of people trying to tell me what to do."
Ben: "Ya, but then you could just say, 'YOU, . . . get out of here!!' . . . Mommy, why didn't you vote for daddy?"
Me: "Well, because I REALLY don't want daddy to be President. He would be gone even more than he is now."
Ben: "He would???!"
Me: "A LOT more."
James: "Yup. If there's one person more busy than a resident, it would be the president!"
Ben: "Nevermind. If I could vote, I would vote for my toys. Then no one would have to work, and we could all be free!"

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My sister, the one who got me into blogging, the one who, in trying to get me to start a blog, wrote, and I quote, "Please imagine me with a gun to your head demanding it. I want it that bad. :)" She has retired from blogging.
I think I'm in mourning. Everyday, for the past two years, I've been able to visit her in cyberspace. To find out what's going on in her life, be entertained, be educated. Now, abruptly, that connection is gone. If she weren't my sister, and if I didn't know I'd be able to communicate with her again, I would be angry and feel cheated. But, I know that I will have the opportunity to bask in her genius humor, her charitable personality, and her incredible writings again someday! . . . At least I better!!!

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We had a "blizzard" here this weekend. It was a respectable snow storm which left about a foot of snow on the ground -- more where there were drifts. So, when I found out that Church was cancelled, I said, "We're not in Utah anymore!"

Today actually turned out to be beautiful and sunny! We were able to have Church at home. James invited two of our friends' families over for Church. It was very nice. James had set up the basement for church. He made three rows with our couches and futon. Then he had speakers set up with prelude music playing. He got his laptop set up to accompany our hymns. And he prepared the sacrament. We had two wonderful lessons by our friends -- one for the grown-ups and one for the kids.

Then we all shared a wonderful dinner! It was a great "snow day." I doubt we'll see any more of those -- especially not where we're moving. Oh, there'll be snow, they just won't cancel anything for it.

Well, at least we will have fond memories of the time when we had Church at home. Ben said, "Today was the very best Church EVER!!"

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Thank goodness for antibiotics! Our sweet baby girl has been sick once again. She had quite the swollen lymph nodes on both sides of her neck, just below her ears. She was miserable, and feverish, and hadn't slept well for several nights in a row. But, after two doses of the antibiotic, she slept for fifteen hours straight and woke up feeling much more like her sweet, cheery self!

She is such a little ray of sunshine! Her middle name is so very appropriate: Joy!

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In Nursery, a few weeks ago, Brianna noticed that another little girl's nose was runny. She went over to the table, got a tissue, wiped the girl's nose, and threw the tissue in the garbage! She is 20 months going on 20 years!

Agency and the Atonement RS Lesson

It was my turn to teach Relief Society again. So, here's my lesson:

My daughter, Brianna, loves to do grown-up things (i.e., brush teeth, talk on the phone, empty the dishwasher, etc.) She has a special affinity for doors. She loves to close doors. I think it’s the appeal of being such a tiny person moving such a BIG thing.
One day, Brianna kept going into the dark bathroom, and shutting herself in, then crying and crying and crying, until someone would come to her rescue. As I was rescuing her for the umpteenth time, I realized that little toddlers aren’t the only ones who try something or do something -- thinking it will be fun, or a great adventure, or even funny -- only to realize that they’ve gotten themselves into a situation that’s way over their head, and a bit scary, and that they cannot get out of it without help. We all do it at one time or another.

Could I, as a parent, out of concern for my daughter’s welfare, remove all doors from her life? Would that be practical? Would that even be helpful to her?

Doors serve many purposes. What are some of the purposes that doors can serve?

Brianna’s going to encounter many doors in her life. Some will be heavy, some will be harder to open or re-open. What could I do, as a kind and loving parent, to help her with the doors she will encounter?
Help her learn the consequences of different doors.
Give her the skills/tools she needs to open closed doors (which would include the key).
Come to her aid when she cries for help.

For our lesson’s purposes, the doors that we will encounter in our lives will represent opportunities to exercise our agency.

(2 Nephi 2:27)
Wherefore, men are free according to the flesh; and all things are given them which are expedient unto man. And they are free to choose liberty and eternal life, through the great Mediator of all men, or to choose captivity and death, according to the captivity and power of the devil; for he seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself.

Who has given us “all things . . . which are expedient”? Expedient means: tending to promote some proposed or desired object; fit or suitable for the purpose.

(Moses 1:39)
What is the Lord’s goal/object/purpose? For behold, this is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.

What expedient things have we been given? Savior, Atonement, Priesthood, Covenants, Church, Temple, Gospel, Scriptures, Prophets, Family, . . . .

What are our choices from this verse (2 Ne. 2:27)?

What is Satan’s goal? that all men might be miserable like unto himself.
Satan wants us to get trapped behind the door, so that we can be captive and miserable.

It seems so very black and white. Why on Earth would any of us choose captivity and death and misery according to the power of the devil?

It is not usually packaged that way, is it?

Let’s turn to Alma, chapter 36 to read about Alma the Younger, who, at this point, has been choosing door number 2. Whatever the packaging looked like for Alma, he was going about trying to destroy the Church of God, and intentionally leading people away from Christ. When we catch up with him, in verse 12, he has been stopped by an angel, and told, “If thou wilt be destroyed of thyself, seek no more to destroy the church of God.” (Alma 36:11)
When Alma hears this, “[he] was struck with such great fear and amazement lest perhaps [he] should be destroyed, that [he] fell to the earth. . . .” (Alma 36:11)

Alma 36:12-15
12 But I was racked with eternal torment, for my soul was harrowed up to the greatest degree and racked with all my sins.
13 Yea, I did remember all my sins and iniquities, for which I was tormented with the pains of hell; yea, I saw that I had rebelled against my God, and that I had not kept his holy commandments.
14 Yea, and I had murdered many of his children, or rather led them away unto destruction; yea, and in fine so great had been my iniquities, that the very thought of coming into the presence of my God did rack my soul with inexpressible horror.
15 Oh, thought I, that I could be banished and become extinct both soul and body, that I might not be brought to stand in the presence of my God, to be judged of my deeds.

Satan has Alma securely captive behind a closed door, and certainly miserable.

Howard W. Hunter, “The Golden Thread of Choice,” Ensign, Nov 1989, 17
"Given the freedom to choose, we may, in fact, make wrong choices, bad choices, hurtful choices. And sometimes we do just that, but that is where the mission and mercy of Jesus Christ comes into full force and glory. He has taken upon himself the burden of all the world’s risk. He has provided a mediating atonement for the wrong choices we make. He is our advocate with the Father and has paid, in advance, for the faults and foolishness we often see in the exercise of our freedom. We must accept his gift, repent of those mistakes, and follow his commandments in order to take full advantage of this redemption. The offer is always there; the way is always open. We can always, even in our darkest hour and most disastrous errors, look to the Son of God and live."

So, how do we accept Christ’s gift?

Alma 36:17
17 And it came to pass that as I was thus racked with torment, while I was harrowed up by the memory of my many sins, behold, I remembered also to have heard my father prophesy unto the people concerning the coming of one Jesus Christ, a Son of God, to atone for the sins of the world.

As a kind and loving parent, Alma the Elder had given his son the key to the closed door. He gave him a foundation on which his faith in Christ could grow and he provided hope to him through the Atonement of Christ.

Let’s continue our reading in Alma 36, verses 18-21

18 Now, as my mind caught hold upon this thought, I cried within my heart: O Jesus, thou Son of God, have mercy on me, who am in the gall of bitterness, and am encircled about by the everlasting chains of death.
19 And now, behold, when I thought this, I could remember my pains no more; yea, I was harrowed up by the memory of my sins no more.
20 And oh, what joy, and what marvelous light I did behold; yea, my soul was filled with joy as exceeding as was my pain!
21 Yea, I say unto you, my son, that there could be nothing so exquisite and so bitter as were my pains. Yea, and again I say unto you, my son, that on the other hand, there can be nothing so exquisite and sweet as was my joy.
(Alma 36:18 - 21)

The same key that freed Alma is available to each of us: The Atonement of Jesus Christ. It is entirely up to us whether or not to accept that gift, and use that key.

2 Ne. 9:46
Prepare your souls for that glorious day when justice shall be administered unto the righteous, even the day of judgment, that ye may not shrink with awful fear; that ye may not remember your awful guilt in perfectness, and be constrained to exclaim: Holy, holy are thy judgments, O Lord God Almighty—but I know my guilt; I transgressed thy law, and my transgressions are mine; and the devil hath obtained me, that I am a prey to his awful misery. (2 Nephi 9:46)

Howard W. Hunter, “The Golden Thread of Choice,” Ensign, Nov 1989, 17
"To fully understand this gift of agency and its inestimable worth, it is imperative that we understand that God’s chief way of acting is by persuasion and patience and long-suffering, not by coercion and stark confrontation. He acts by gentle solicitation and by sweet enticement. He always acts with unfailing respect for the freedom and independence that we possess. He wants to help us and pleads for the chance to assist us, but he will not do so in violation of our agency. He loves us too much to do that, and doing so would run counter to his divine character."

What does our Heavenly Father, as a kind and loving parent, do for each of us to help us with the doors that we each will face?
How can we apply that as we deal with loved ones?


How is it possible that Alma’s pain and torment were so completely transformed into joy?

D&C 19:16-19
16 For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent;
17 But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I;
18 Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink—
19 Nevertheless, glory be to the Father, and I partook and finished my preparations unto the children of men.

Boyd K. Packer, “The Brilliant Morning of Forgiveness,” Ensign, Nov 1995, 18
"So many live with accusing guilt when relief is ever at hand. So many are like the immigrant woman who skimped and saved and deprived herself until, by selling all of her possessions, she bought a steerage-class ticket to America.
"She rationed out the meager provisions she was able to bring with her. Even so, they were gone early in the voyage. When others went for their meals, she stayed below deck—determined to suffer through it. Finally, on the last day, she must, she thought, afford one meal to give her strength for the journey yet ahead. When she asked what the meal would cost, she was told that all of the meals had been included in the price of her ticket."

What are some reasons that people might choose to remain locked behind a door, rather than to use the key?

Closing:
Howard W. Hunter, “The Golden Thread of Choice,” Ensign, Nov 1989, 17
"To countermand and ultimately forbid our choices was Satan’s way, not God’s, and the Father of us all simply never will do that. He will, however, stand by us forever to help us see the right path, find the right choice, respond to the true voice, and feel the influence of his undeniable Spirit. His gentle, peaceful, powerful persuasion to do right and find joy will be with us 'so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man upon the face thereof to be saved.'” (Moro. 7:36.)

Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.
(Revelation 3:20)

The key to all doors = faith in Christ and acceptance of his Atoning sacrifice for us individually.