I'm having a rough day. My heart feels heavy, and I want to cry. Probably hormonal, but still very real feelings.
Yesterday, Ben was telling me about his music teacher who got married over the summer. He had her last year too, so he knew her by her maiden name first. That got him to thinking, and he asked me, "Was it hard for you to go from being a [maiden name] to a [married name]?"
I replied that I had always been very happy to be a [maiden name], but that I was very happy to become a [married name]. I explained that the switch was actually really easy for me -- easier than I had expected. I then reiterated, "I was very happy to become a [married name]."
And he said, "Ya, ... until you had children."
So, obviously, I'm doing a great job as a parent. My kids think I'm not happy to have them. It's no wonder. I feel like all day, everyday, I'm telling them not to do this, or to do that; I'm breaking up fights; I'm enforcing rules; I'm trying to get them to tone down their wild play before someone gets hurt; I'm sending to time-out; I'm trying to get them to pick up their stuff; etc. Most of the time, I feel like I'm being ignored. Now that I've written out how I spend my time all day, I figure it's no wonder they ignore me! I'm sure I'd do the same thing if someone I was around all day was doing/saying all of that.
So, on top of all of that, when I feel that I'm being ignored, my voice does this strange thing where it gets REALLY LOUD. I don't like that. And I'm not proud of it.
So I present you with what I will call
A Practical Mother's Prayer:
Please help me to not yell more than is absolutely necessary.
Please help me to remember how to laugh.
Please help me to not screw my children up too much.
Please help my children to not be opposed to therapy when they are older, and please help them to be able to afford it.
I guess today I am just painfully aware of all of my shortcomings, and feeling like I'll probably never be the mother/wife/homemaker/friend/visiting teacher/daughter/sister/in-law/etc. that I would like to be. And, sometimes, I just feel too tired to do any better.
