A Home In-Fertile Valleys: A Metaphor from My Experiences with Infertility

As newlyweds, my husband and I were excited to move into our first house. We set about immediately to make it our home. With our limited funds, we decorated with hand-me-down furniture, and much-appreciated wedding gifts. We purchased a chair from the Thrift store for three dollars. It became lovingly known as the "three dollar chair", or "the prayer chair" as that is where we often knelt to pray together. Our home was nothing fancy, but it suited our needs nicely.

According to the custom of our land, and in keeping with the commandment from our spiritual leaders "to buy and sell homes" we planned to be in our home for only a year or two. We cherished this time to be together and to improve our home with little projects: a new curtain here and a painted wall there.

However, this time passed quickly, and there began to be inquiries from family and friends as to when we would sell our home. We had not been in a big hurry, however, we also began to feel that it was time to sell our little home. So, we did what most people did, and we bought a "For Sale By Owner" sign and posted in our yard. And then we waited.

And then we waited some more.

Again, people would ask when were we going to sell our home. "We're wondering the same thing," we would answer in an effort to communicate that we were doing our part. Sure, we would have showings from time to time, but they always resulted in silence when it came to offers.

When a year had passed, we thought, "perhaps there is something wrong with our home, and we're just not seeing it." So, we called in a home inspector. He did a thorough job: checking pipes, testing electrical outlets, investigating the structure of our home, etc.. His testing and investigations revealed nothing to be wrong. "You're plumbing and electricity are perfectly sound. Your home has a great structure. I'm sure it will only be a matter of time before you receive your much longed for offer."

With a renewed sense of hope, we spruced up the sign in the front yard, and waited yet again.

When still more months passed, with no offers but a steady stream of showings, I began to get discouraged. I would find my hopes soaring with each showing, and then crashing as time would pass with no sign of an offer.

"What are we doing wrong?" I would lament. Then, to pass the time, and to improve our chances of selling with our next showing, I would clean out a closet, or a cupboard until it shined. When that didn't work, we would work in our yard -- cleaning up and landscaping. When that didn't work, we'd add a fresh coat of paint in the bathroom or a bedroom, etc.

We always had an ample supply of solicited and unsolicited advice: "You should use this product on your lawn -- then your home will sell for sure." "Have you tried laying new carpet?" "If you keep your sink clean and sparkling, your home will sell in a wink." "I knew a person who hung all of their window treatments upside down for a month, and they sold to the first people who walked through their home." Etc., etc., etc.

I would cry when the house across the street would sell in three days; or sob when the home, badly in need of repair, two blocks away received an offer -- EVEN WITHOUT A FOR SALE SIGN! It became difficult to even feel happy for good friends and family when they successfully sold their homes; and I began to completely avoid open houses all together. It was just too painful. It seemed so unfair. Our home was nice, well-cared for, welcoming, etc. Weren't we just trying to keep the commandment of our religious leaders and the custom of our land?

When still another year had passed, and I was sure that all of our family and friends were convinced that we had mice or rats or termites -- for why else would our home not sell?-- we toyed with the idea of hiring a realtor. You may wonder why we would wait so long to consider this option, but in our land, only the REALLY desperate needed to hire a realtor. Most people just did as we had done, put the sign in the yard, and then in a matter of months, their home would be sold. Apparently we were not "most people".

Hiring a realtor is a big, expensive step, and in a way, felt like we would be admitting defeat -- no not just defeat, but a humiliating acknowledgement that "we don't have what it takes." We were not quite ready for that step, and so we worked harder, and prayed harder, and tried to find things to distract us from what had become an obsession.

The distraction tactic worked pretty well for the most part. But still, the unexpected questions about the progress of our home-selling, or the unsolicited advice from a stranger who didn't know our story, would pierce my heart, and sometimes bring unwanted tears and days of wondering "why?? Why can't we sell?" I began to feel that God didn't think we were worthy to sell our home. I began to cry less and less often, hardening my heart to the next inevitable blow.

When yet another year had passed, we decided we could continue as we were, or we could try the realtor route. So we made the appointment, had our first consultation, and agreed on a plan for selling our home. Incredibly, our realtor was able to sell our home to the FIRST people to view it after he was hired!!!! Holy cow!!! Imagine our elation! Finally, our hopes and dreams were being fulfilled!!

We found a new house that we loved, and purchased it. Again, we set about to make it our own. We weren't plagued with worry about when the time would come to sell this house, because, well, we knew the trick for us -- simply hire a realtor, and voila!

So, when a few more years passed, and we felt it was again time to sell our home. We went straight to the realtor's office. Again we consulted, and came up with a plan. "This is great," I thought, "it's so nice to know what works."

But, you guessed it, even with the realtor, month after month would pass with a steady stream of showings, and no offers. My hopes were again dashed! All of the old fears returned. In an effort to cope, I worked endlessly on improving our home.

Finally, my husband announced that we would be hiring a professional to come and "stage" our home. I had heard of this, in fact, we had toyed with the idea in the past, but it seemed like a somewhat extreme step. However, I trusted my husband, and so we hired the professional stager.

She was wonderful. She was easy to work with. Yes, she changed how I had arranged things. She put away things I had kept out. She added things that I would never have thought to add. Some of the changes required me to think differently from the way I had thought in the past. She made our home beautiful and desirable. And, wonder of wonders, it sold in a matter of months! I will forever be grateful to her.

We now live in another beautiful house that we've made our home. We love it. It is very comfortable. Maybe we'll never move; maybe we will. I don't know at this point. Mostly, I feel that I am not in control of this aspect of my life. If we come to the point where we feel we should try to sell our home, then we will try. But whether it sells or not, is out of my hands. So, as long as I do my part to keep the commandment, then I can be at peace. These lessons did not come easily to me, and, should we feel the need to sell again, I'm sure there will be more lessons in store for me. But for now, I'm just going to enjoy this wonderful home of mine.