I'm not sure what to write. I haven't had any brilliant insights, or really any deep thoughts for quite sometime, it seems. I was re-reading my posts from last November and had the very distinct thought that I liked who I was one year ago, much better than I like who I am now.
Many key things have improved in my life over this past year. I am so very blessed. However, I am feeling a bit lost, and am trying to get my feet under me. It's all part of moving, I guess.
Last time we moved, it coincided with the beginning of James' rigorous training. He began working 80-100+ hours per week. I was in a totally new town, didn't really know anyone. I had a one year old, and was a stay at home mom. James was gone, and even when he was home, he was mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. He had nothing left to give. Though I didn't fully recognize it at the time, I fell into a deep depression.
Strangely enough, I think it was my decision to go back to work after about eight months that started to pull me out of my depression. It was only part time, two days per week, but I see it as a turning point in my downward spiral. Perhaps it was having to be dressed up and to someplace on time. Perhaps it was the interaction with other adults. Whatever it was, it helped.
There were/are wonderful people in my last ward who reached out to me, and continued to reach out to me, and who didn't give up on me even though I was very hard to reach. My shy tendencies combined with the depression did not make it easy for them. I count them as some of my very dearest friends. Whenever I sing "Nearer My God to Thee" I think of them when I come to the line: "angels to beckon me, nearer my God to thee". They are sisters of my heart. Their strength, wisdom, examples, friendship, and the beauty of how they lived their lives and how they reached out to and served me and each other truly lifted me, and helped me to become a person that I actually liked. They helped me to find a voice and a confidence that I had never before enjoyed.
I'm afraid I've lost some of that now. I may be one of those people who needs a really strong support system in order to be a balanced, positive contributor to society. I'm struggling with not having any close friends here yet. I'm struggling with figuring out James' and my roles in our new situation. And, I'm afraid, I'm struggling with another downward spiral.
I want to get back to that person that I was and liked a year ago. But, I must say, I don't want any of the trials back that have passed, whether in full or in part. Although, I am grateful for the growth and blessings that have come from them. I suppose that this is a new trial, of sorts. I'm sure that new growth and new blessings will come with this new trial. Maybe I'll even start having insights and deep thoughts, and maybe a friend or two. . . . I wish I wasn't so hard to get to know.
Can a person take all of the wonderful things that they've learned and become, and still retain them even with a cross-country move that feels as if it's turned their world on end? I know a person should be able to; but can THIS person?
Oh, please, Father in Heaven, let me retain my old friendships, and create new. Let me build on the lessons and blessings that I have received, and help me to receive any new blessings and lessons that Thou hast in store for me. Help me to be able to make a positive impact on those within my circle of influence. Help me to enjoy the blessings that each day has to offer.
Family pic 2020
2 months ago
14 comments:
Keep hanging in there Leslie! You've still got a strong support group... we're just not quite as close geographically as we once were! I hope that you can re-discover your confidence and see yourself again the way we see you- as an amazing and wonderful woman!
Please consider yourself hugged right now. I feel something similar, if it makes you feel any better. Without the pressure to be the major provider for our family, I feel a little lost. Like, OK, I should probably do something with my life now that I can. I just don't know what.
I agree, I wouldn't want to go back, but at least back there I had a strong sense of purpose and knew what I was doing.
Perhaps you should come out here for a week and we'll talk about it? :) Or I could come there?
Leslie - Your post caused a lump in my throat. You are such an awesome person and so it's hard for me to think that you are really struggling right now. I pray that you can find a great circle of friends that live closer (and of course, keep the ones 2000 miles away too) and be happy with who you are.
I'm praying you make ADDITIONAL buddies too. You're not dumping us that easy! Please know I miss seeing you around!
Leslie, you are loved by many people, and especially by your family. This is understandably a hard time, but you are still the same wonderful person, only now you have more empathy for others that you gained the only way any of us grow - through your own experience. 'All these things... shall be for thy good.' You will get through this too, and maybe even laugh at the time you felt so 'uninvolved' and lonely. You are one of my heros. You always make me laugh. You are amazingly wise and sensitive to others' feelings and needs. I love you.
You can do it! I know how that down spiral thing is, and it's not easy. What helps for me is really knowing that people love me...and it's hard for me to remember that a lot of the time. Just so you know, people love you!! I love you! Your new friends, even though they might not know it yet will love you! And your kids are adorable by the way, I love Ben's songs, they crack me up. I only wish we could sing them in primary :)
Not much I can add that hasn't already been said. Only advise I can give is, get out there. To ward functions, to school activities whatever it may be, even when you don't feel like it.
I too am in that downward spiral and really have no reason to be. I did move, but not across the country, Michael did get a new job, but it's in the same city doing pretty much the same things.
It is extremely hard to feel un-needed. I am struggling with that A LOT right now. But, we are all needed, that is why we are here, on this earth, at this very moment.
You are an amazing woman who I admire more than you will ever know. You made me a better person for knowing you.
Hang in there Leslie! You have arms encircled around you from all across the country. THAT has to feel amazing :D Hold your head high. And when you can't any longer, remember you always have a friend at your side when you let it fall and bow it in prayer.
I love you dearly and miss you terribly along with the rest of 'em back east.
You are all my angels! Thank you for all of your encouragement and love.
I think I will begin each day with reading these comments, and then I will try to get out there and do something, and meet someone!
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!
And, Tiff, let's plan that trip!
You don't know how much I miss you and our laughs in the hall each Sunday. No M&M spitting piano and now no Leslie....things are bad. I eat my Xocai nuggets every day, and a good bite of chocolate does make the world look better. Hang in there, know that this too shall pass, and remember you've got an old lady friend in Fairfield who loves and misses you lots.
Ah, Leslie. I'd give you a hug if we were close enough. Moving and making new friends is so hard! Don't give up trying.
Remember that you have made a difference in the lives of others - that YOU have been the one to lift others in their darkest hours. I have found the strength to go on for one more day because of YOUR faith and words of encouragement and example.
My advice: Just take a deep breath, take it one day at a time, and do one small thing daily to help you feel good about something. Any little thing will do - maybe smile at someone at the store, wash a load of laundry, have the kids help make cookies, or help someone at church. Accomplishing something and serving others helps us look outside ourselves and our challenges, and helps us recognize the good mixed in with the bad.
May your prayers be answered as you do your best to adjust, settle into new roles, and make new friends!
Consider yourself hugged again. I can't say I know exactly how you feel, but we have definitely experienced a lot of change in our family over the last year.
I have had some really great times in my life, with really great sets of friends. With every major change, the dynamics of those friendships change. It is really hard for me to leave friends behind, but the reality is that they are still there for you just in a different way.
I'm sure if you just put yourself out there a little you will find some good friends. You are an incredible person, and you have a fantastic family. What's not to like?
All I can say is that if it's possible to go through the exact same thing then I am going through it. It broke my heart to move, and I don't know how to fix it. good luck and remember YOU ARE THE BEST! :) Maybe a little frozen oreo dessert would help...
I have no good advice it's already been given but I too miss you and your family so much. You truly are an inspiring example of the mom and woman I hope to be. You are so wise and kind and hilarious. I hate meeting new people and the awkwardness at first but I know this time next year you will have tons of friends and great things going on.
I had a strange experience Sunday. Janet and I were asked to speak in church. It was the first time in some time that I sat on the stand at church. I looked out at the congregation and surprisingly was filled with so much love for our ward. The reason this was strange to me is because I didn't know that I would ever feel that way about this ward. We went through so much in our last ward, Josh diagnosis, Matt's struggles with his feet, with not breathing, and then we lost Janet's dad. Plus, we went through difficult and demanding callings. Anyway, those trials had forged a bond with our old ward that will last forever. And though I've really enjoyed our new ward, I always felt a little emotional distance. But, Sunday, that distance was gone.
I guess that's the long way of saying, be patient. The friendships and memories and connections will come. Just stay open to whatever life brings your way.
Love you.
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